2/10 - Kém
26/05/2025
Terrible. Should not be offered as a hotel
🌟 Locomotive Hotel Review - A Journey into the Abyss 🌟
Having just completed a 6-hour pilgrimage from Essex to the promised lands of Eaglescliffe, I've discovered what can only be described as Fawlty Towers' unsuccessful younger brother. The Locomotive Hotel is, quite frankly, a masterclass in how to disappoint guests while simultaneously making Premier Inn look like The Ritz.
For the bargain price of £40, you too can experience what I can only assume is a social experiment gone wrong. The room comes complete with three different types of wallpaper (clearly inspired by the BBC's Changing Rooms circa 1998) all unified under a hastily applied coat of magnolia - because nothing says "we care" quite like paint that matches your nan's living room.
The bed appears to have been made by someone fleeing a crime scene, while the TV is so small I initially mistook it for a calculator. There's a desk without a chair - perhaps it's art installation commenting on the futility of work? Or maybe the chair is simply having a gap year finding itself in Ibiza.
The bathroom features a creative wall installation where previous guests have contributed to a collaborative art piece involving toilet paper and a hole in the wall. There's also a deceased fly stuck to the window - I've named him Geoffrey and we've become quite close.
The room's piece de resistance is the kicked-in door that's been "repaired" with
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